This summer, I am doing a special series of blogs titled “I ♥ Fairbanks.” I will separate them into parts as I usually do. Fairbanks is a beautiful town, full of a lot of wonderfully kept secrets; I am so in love with my town. While Andy and I love to travel, we never forget the beauty and allure of our own hometown. I’ll spend this summer highlighting the best places and things to see and do in Fairbanks and the surrounding area.
Our first “I ♥ Fairbanks” post begins with two dogs. Two rather mischievous dogs. With brand new life vests. They melt my heart and I’m a total sucker. It’s gotten pretty bad. Buuuuuuuuut, I don’t care.
I introduce you to Max and Bandit. Excuse me, Captain Bandit.
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| “Troublemaker” is written all over these faces |
Max, Bandit, and their wonderful humans, Kelly and her husband Madison, invited us to go kayaking/canoeing with them down the Chena River. Our plan was to kayak/canoe to
The Pump House and get dinner. It’s a popular summer activity. If you aren’t lucky enough to have your own canoe or kayak, or you’re a tourist, you can rent them at a variety of places around town. The best place is
Alaska Outdoor Rentals & Guides, located on Peger Rd. right behind
Pioneer Park. They have a bit of a monopoly on the kayak rental scene in Fairbanks, but their prices are fair. You can also rent bikes through them as well. The other place to look is at the
University of Alaska Fairbanks, which rents a variety of outdoor gear.
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| Kelly and Max |
The evening began with Kelly and I somehow convincing the boys that they “needed” to share the canoe. We will likely spend a significant portion of the rest of our lives wondering how on earth we convinced them that was a good idea. We then took it a step further and convinced them both Max and Bandit needed to join them in the canoe.
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Max: NOPE.
Bandit: Muhahahaha |
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Max: &$#@ this.
Bandit: Muhahahahaha. |
Kelly and I drug our kayaks over to the launching area, and Madison helped us get them in the water. We sat in our canoes watching the boys and the dogs.
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| Captain Bandit told him to wait. |
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| Ready to go! |
The procession of the next few events was like out of a cartoon. Andy gets in the canoe. Max gets hoisted into the canoe. Bandit jumps in the canoe. Madison gets in the canoe. “Andy look at the camera! Why aren’t you looking at the camera?!” “Madison, don’t go too fast,” “Kelly, there’s two grown men in here and two dogs, how fast can we go?” “Andy, watch Bandit!” “I’m watching him, Allison! He’s fine!” “Where’s Max?” “He’s in here somewhere.”
“Kelly….Bandit is taking off his life vest.”
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Where is Bandit in this picture, you ask? He’s furiously removing his life vest. Because he is way too good for a life vest.
Life vests are for pansies. |
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| Aaaaaaand the vest is off. Max remains safety cautious. Bandit called him a pansy. |
We were finally off and running after coming to terms with the fact that none of us were going to make Bandit wear that vest.
Essentially the rest of the trip was Bandit and Max playing musical chairs waster-vessels. Bandit dubbed himself Captain and Max was unsure throughout the entire journey of exactly what was going on.
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Bandit: Me first, Andy. Me first.
Max: NOPE. |
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“He that will not sail till all dangers are over must never put to sea.” –Thomas Fuller Bandit |
After Bandit removed his vest, Max decided that the canoe was just not for him. He was unhappy with the circumstances aboard the canoe, for reasons unknown, and insisted upon riding with Kelly in her kayak. Max maintained his apprehension, and unlike Bandit, who laughs in the face of danger and uncertainty, kept his life vest securely buckled.
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| Canoe to the kayak. |
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| Bandit: Carry on, boys. |
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| Bandit: Sea is calm ahead, Andrew. |
The day was a really beautiful one; it was in the high sixties and there wasn’t much wind. The sun was bright and beautiful above us and the mosquitoes weren’t giving us too much trouble. The Chena River moves relatively fast, so there wasn’t much paddling required. We moseyed along, staying together and enjoying the beautiful river.
At this point, Max had a slight change of heart. He determined he was less happy with the circumstances of the kayak than the circumstances of the canoe. At one point, Bandit got a little tired of Max’s ‘tude, suggested a mutiny, and then got distracted by his own butt. Back in the canoe went Max.
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| Canoe to kayak to canoe. |
With Max back in the canoe, Kelly put her feet up and enjoyed floating down the river.
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| Ran into some ducks along the way. |
The boys decided to pull their canoe over to take a bathroom break. Captain Bandit and his Crew (Max) took this as an invitation to disembark. We later debated whether they were launching an insurrection against the conditions in the canoe, or they thought Kelly and I were abandoning them. Either way, they took action and chased us down the side of the bank. They were stymied by a fallen tree and panic set in. Let’s just say Bandit briefly ceded his authority and responsibility as Captain.
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| You can see him behind the small log towards the front. |
I happened to be closest to shore, so I paddled my kayak over to them to initiate the rescue. Their faces were hysterical. They thought it was the end. For a second I thought I caught Max praying.
I hauled Max into my kayak and then loaded in a squirmy Bandit as well. At this point Bandit realized he was being rescued and seemed to immediately question where his vessel was. Kelly paddled over to me and took Max. Bandit assumed the primary position as Captain of the kayak. He was over the canoe.
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| Standing regal at the helm. |
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| I am the master of my fate. I am the Captain of my soul. |
And, on we went. Max was back in the kayak, which he wasn’t a big fan of earlier. Kelly got him to calm down, he eventually just said nope, I’m done, and shrunk into the bottom of the kayak. Bandit called him a pansy again and made fun of his life vest.
At some point, Bandit wanted his vessel back and transferred back into the canoe. As it stood now, Kelly was in a kayak with Max, I was alone in a kayak, and Madison and Andy were in the canoe with Bandit.
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| Back in action |
Here’s where our adventure took a rather abrupt turn. And not for the better. Here we are, meandering down the river, patting ourselves on the back for keeping Bandit and Max alive for this long and looking forward to our yummy dinner at the Pump House.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a boat appeared to the right side of the boys on their canoe. They were way too close to us, and even though they slowed down, their wake bumped the canoe just enough, and……
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| THIS HAPPENED. Andy, Madison, and Bandit. Overboard. |
What happened next will likely live in infamy for our entire friendship. Here are our husbands, soaked to the bone in freezing cold water, unable to stand in the deep river; their phones, wallets, and shoes completely drenched and Kelly and I respond with the following:
Kelly: “WHERE’S BANDIT?! GIVE ME BANDIT!!!”
Allison: “OH MY GOD BANDIT! SOMEONE SAVE BANDIT!!!”
Please note that the words “Andy” or “Madison” were not used. For all you fans of The Office,
this came to mind.
Madison threw Bandit into Kelly’s kayak and rescued him. The people who toppled Andy and Madison kindly returned and helped them out. They towed the canoe to shore near a turn off on University Avenue and drove Madison to The Pump House to retrieve the car.
The system broke down in roughly 30 seconds. Madison was on his way to get the truck to come and pick us up. Bandit looked like he had just suffered the most devastating experience known to dog-kind. Max was staring at Bandit going, “Who’s a pansy now, huh?!”. Andy was doing jumping jacks and push ups in the parking lot to avoid hypothermia. And Kelly and I were just standing there.
Madison returned shortly and loaded all the stuff into the car. Madison really saved the day. He rescued Bandit, got the car while freezing cold, got all the stuff in the truck and got us all home safely. When we got back to the house, Kelly and I ordered the boys some pizza, and threw them in the hot tub. They were pretty content with life.
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Andy: I think they love Bandit more than us.
Madison: True story. |
For purposes of understanding the game of musical water-vessels we played this afternoon prior to the boys’ direful tumble into the Chena, the following info-graphic might be of some illustrative assistance.
The day ended up being a wonderful one. The trip down the river was still really fun, and now we have a hysterical story to tell. The night turned into a relaxing one – we hung out in the hot tub, ate pizza, and attempted somewhat in vain to convince our husbands we loved them more than just as much as Bandit.
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